LISTS

I keep a lot of lists.

Groceries to buy.
Things to do.
Buildings to feature on Historic Indianapolis.
Cards to send.
Bills to pay.
Blog posts to create.
Books I've read.
Movies I've watched.
Wines I've tried.

I have a lot of lists.

And, this week, I'm keeping a list of all the terrible things that have happened.

Boston.
West, Texas.
Fearing, and then confirming, that my mother is ill.
Losing the opportunity to tour a house.
Hearing that a happy couple suffered a miscarriage.
Admitting to myself that I don't want to live in my apartment anymore.
Having to cope with racism, hatred, name-calling, partisanship, suspicion, conspiracies, and conflicts.
Learning that my mother has lost her job.
The "What are we doing?" talk-not-really-a-talk between my Hans and I.

A list of the emotions.

Sadness.
Depression.
Shock.
Anger.
Frustration.
Confusion.
Sympathy.
Remorse.
Embarrassment.
Helplessness.
Homesickness.

It's just one of those days.

One of those days when, after hearing from your mother, you set your phone down and hang your head in your hands, fighting tears at your office desk. Shaking your head and breathing deep because you can't be bothered; not here, not now. Later. Later, when you can crawl into your sweatpants and eat monster cookies and sob quietly into the sheets. One of those days when, after pulling your car into its usual space, you turn off the heat, turn off the headlights. But you're not ready to go inside. Not yet. No, you sit there, gripping the steering wheel and finally letting the tears fall into your lap. You leave the car running, a Foo Fighters song playing. You hate the Foo Fighters. But you keep listening, and you take comfort in the sound. The lyrics and noises and half-screams are a way to stave off sadness, just like a television's background noise almost convinces you that you're not alone.

But then there are "some days."

Days when you're just at a loss. Days when you want to crawl into your childhood, into your past, into your old life and your old home. Barefoot and innocent. Days when you want to fix everything, when you want to say all the words, when you want to do anything but realize damn it people are dying and I can't remove heartbreak. When you wonder how you're going to take care of your mom. How you're going to move her to where you are. If you even can. How you will even survive when you feel you'll never be good enough. You'll always be poor, always drive a leaking and rusted-out car, always live in some half-forgotten structure with malady upon malady. You'll always be...

That you're going to be alone ... because you can never make a decision. Because, instead, you've bundled yourself in sweats and sheets, making mental lists of all the things you're afraid of.

10 comments:

  1. oh darling, I know. I know. You're not alone.

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  2. Invitation - inglês
    I'm Brazilian.
    Spent reading here, and visit his blog.
    I also have one, only much simpler.
    I'm inviting you to visit me, and if possible follow together for them and with them. I always liked to write, expose and share my ideas with people, regardless of class Social, Religious Creed, the Sexual Orientation, or, of Ethnicity.
    To me, what will interest is our exchange of ideas, and, thoughts.
    I'm there in my space Simpleton, waiting for you.
    And I'm already following your blog.
    Strength, Peace, Friendship and Happiness
    For you, a hug from Brazil.
    www.josemariacosta.com

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  3. Sending you a great big hug, Dawn. xx

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  4. Dawn, Sending you gentle hugs, keeping you in my positive thoughts and keeping your mom in my positive thoughts as well with heartfelt wishes for healing. May a glimmer of light shine on your next list...

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  5. Sending my best thoughts to you, dear Dawn. Be brave.

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  6. Dawn this post is so raw and real.. it really struck a chord inside of me. It brought me to the darker places of my life and reeled in glimpses of the emotion that came with those dark places.

    Life isn't without suffering.. and my friend, you will cry, you will hurt, but you will be okay. It will all be okay in some point or another. I hope until then you can ride out the wave, and hope that Lisa's above comment rings true for a new list soon; one that doesn't weigh on you so heavily.

    You're in my thoughts. XoX

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  7. I. Completely. Understand. Lots of hugs and love to you.

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  8. I've been there, and this week was a really shitty week for a lot of people. It's unavoidable...the loss and heartache. And sometimes it seems like life is never going to give you a break. But you WILL have amazing weeks too! Because you decide that they will be amazing and you make it so. You willfully ignore the stuff that's not right and focus on what is right. Your mother is so incredibly lucky in so many ways that she ended up with a daughter like you.

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  9. I've had you in my thoughts, Dawn. Hope you find a good place, within yourself, where you can gain a commanding view of this strange landscape that seems to have formed around you.
    Hugs.

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  10. I think it's been a rough week, and even a rough month. I understand the feeling of not wanting to get out of bed and just wanting to hide in a corner until the storm is over. It is so hard to just be brave, but you have to hang on there. This quote by Samwise Gamgee from LOTR always makes me feel a bit better and braver on my worst days: "It's like in the great stories - the ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger, they were. And sometimes, you don't want to know the end. Because how could the end be happy? How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad has happened? But in the end, it's only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shines, it will shine out the clearer."

    ReplyDelete

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