Candidly Clyde: Why I'm a Sinner

There are two items of clothing that I have been coveting since about March. I've been eyeing the shoes of the hilarious, borsty Hello, Moneyface!, as well as the Ruche skirt worn by Tania in What Would a Nerd Wear. Sadly, neither item comes in my size. That's probably God telling me, "No, you don't need to spend the money," and "No, you shouldn't covet, little human." However, I sense that God molded me with hobbit feet and an orangutan-sized inseam to spite me.

Urban Outfitters

Ruche

The rest of the items, though not necessarily on my "wish list," are still things that I was attracted to. I couldn't wear the tights and dresses, anyway. Don't believe me? Let me paint* you a picture. (*By "paint," I actually mean verbally describe. I could never paint. I will never be able to paint. If you were to hand me a paintbrush, some colors and a blank canvas, I would paint a crooked-line; two red, vampire-bite dots; and a stick. I would call it "Autobiography," further blurring and complicating my confusion between visual and written art.)

Anyway, I have ripped through a lot of tights. Dozens of pairs of leggings. I'll exaggerate and say that, when I step into a new pair, my jagged, misshapen toenail will catch a tiny thread, a pinch of nylon, and shred the entire leg. My hobbit-shaped feet look engorged within the pattern, and it isn't until I'm about to step out of the house that I realize I have a run stretching from my ankle to my thigh.

Kitschy Living

As for the dresses? Well, with my height and inseam, any "mid-length" tea-dress turns into a drape-y shirt that exhibits my cheeks without even bending over. *fox whistle*